Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
