I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I checked into jail on foursquare
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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