you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
