Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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