i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
