If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize