he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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