she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
