i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
