i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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