I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
