I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
