So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I looked at my own cervix.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
