the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I need to sanitize my soul.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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