ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
