More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
