Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
