What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
