I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
