i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
