Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
