You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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