you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
