The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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