You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
