Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
