my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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