Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
