he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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