I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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