i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize