I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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