I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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