Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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