He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
we're so committed to being not committed
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
