Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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