hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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