Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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