Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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