Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
