What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
