your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
