If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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