is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
