I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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