This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
