More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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