youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
