We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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