Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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