Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
