she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
