good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
