i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
