my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
