I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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