So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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