I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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