i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
