Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
