I faked an abortion last night.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
