Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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