sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
