Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize