my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
