i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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