dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I cannot find my penis.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
