I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
